Monday, August 11, 2008

Miss America's Fallen...and She Can't Get Up

Over at the Olympics, President Bush heard Russia invaded Georgia. He immediately sent tanks into Alabama and Mississippi.

But our Cheerleader in Chief having a blast in China is not what I want to talk about tonight.

The E train lacked AC earlier, and a pungent homeless man entered the car. As the seeping stench permeated our brains, the decline of America hit like a ton of bricks. Or, an unfortunate guy's odor.

The signals of our waning national condition are blaring. To wit:

1. Two Miss Universe contestants in the past two years have fallen on their faces. We're talking "America's Funniest Home Video" flops. BOTH women were from the US of A, formerly the world's most sure-footed country. Miss Kazaskstan can walk in a ballgown and stay on her feet. Miss Zimbabwe sashays like Ginger Rogers. If she'd been at the pageant instead of choosing not to risk a stoning for donning a skimpy two-piece suit with heels, Miss Iran would have glided across the stage like jello on Crisco.Miss USA? She goes down like she just slammed 10 shots of Jaeger and a whippet.

Two freaking years in a row, America's girls go down. An irrelevant metaphor for the sinking State of Things? I reckon not, particularly when you consider...

2. A Belgian company has purchased Budweiser, the great American "King of Beers." A company from BELGIUM (known for what - waffles? WAFFLES DON'T GO WITH BEER) has bought BUD. (My lovely wife is from Belgium, as is Jeff Gordon's lovely wife for you readers of US Magazine, so it can be established there are truly outstanding exports from this little country on the brink of disintegrating from ethnic inflighting, but, c'mon, taking over Bud, Are You Kidding me??)

3. The Arabs have snapped up the Chrysler building...while the other major American carmakers' financials have only been worse during the Great Depression.

4. Speaking of which, US banks are failing at a rate not seen since desperate sad-faced men in baggy suits sold apples on street corners, and when the fruit wasn't moving, sometimes leaped from windows above.

5. US Air pilots bought a full-page ad in "USA Today," declaring management is mandating they fly with minimal fuel to save money. Any pilot who balks could get fired. The pilots say this edict is totally unsafe. They took an ad to tell us they are invoking the "Captains Order" to put more fuel in the tanks. (Even oil man T. Boone Pickens is saying we can't drill our way out of this one.)

You could go on and on with this cranky BS. And, yeah, you could also, in glass-half-full mode, list all the reasons all night long why this country is the greatest and only place to live, including beating the little speedos off that French smug team, I mean swim team last night. Instead, I'll open the fridge to look past the half gallon of milk just purchased in Manhattan for $6.99 and root around in search of some good cold American beer. Good night.

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